Monday, May 2, 2011

Giving Up Control

Today's struggle: Trying not to be so overwhelmed by all I have to do, that I accomplish nothing at all.

This seems to be a regular struggle for me... but this week and last it's been especially difficult. I'd list everything I have on my "to-do" list for you here, but the stress of seeing it all in one place might make me throw up. And nobody wants that. Well, mostly I don't want that. Because then I'd have to add "clean up after myself" to my list...

I have a hard time focusing on just one things at a time. You may remember, I've confessed before about my compulsive need to multi-task... Well, coupled with my tendency for anxiety & depression... Let's just say it can be crippling.

When I get too many balls in the air (which I'm notorious for) or start thinking about too many projects at once, I want to just head straight for the couch with a large amount of chocolate. Not only does that accomplish nothing, but it also makes me fat. (but then I guess that'd be accomplishing something... though weight gain isn't on my to-do list.)

Honestly, I think the bigger issue is control. Being able to multi-task and do many things at once makes us feel like we're in control. Like we can handle it all on our own.

Wow. I've bought into that lie one too many times.

Why is it that I think God only wants me to bring Him the big issues?

Don't I know that God is in the details?

Haven't I seen proof time and again of just that? 

I have. But do I act like I have? Not lately.

Giving up the little things to Him...Asking for direction with a seemingly "small" project... Getting input from Him on what should be done first... Why do I have such a hard time doing that?


I want control.

I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be prideful or a control freak. But it's not something I can't not do on my own.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out....
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
Romans 7:15, 18, 24-25

Wow... Yeah, Paul pretty much nailed it there. I can't rescue myself from this need to be in control... this need to be that amazing multi-tasker... this need to be perceived as this perfect wife and mom. Only my Savior can.

One of my favorite music artists right now is JJ Heller. (If you don't own her albums, go buy them. Now.)  There is a song on her current album that seemed to be written just for me. (I love how God does that) It's called "Control."

Control: It's time to let you go.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I'm definitely in the control boat with you. I've been really struggling to let some things go--like I don't really need to clean my house everyday. I don't have to have light switches going the same direction ... one problem I've run into is that so many people "praise" the person who looks like they've got it all together.

    Thank for this--and for the song.