Love and Loss

When I left on my 6-week ‘hiatus’ I was excited for when I’d return. (and not just because I knew I’d miss blogging). I was excited to share a secret. I was going to get to make an announcement – and not the kind you have to say “not that kind of announcement” – because it was that kind of announcement.

Was.

Life can change so drastically in just 6 weeks.

I thought the hardest part of those 6 weeks was going to be staying off Facebook, and not getting to read the many blogs I love. Isn’t it amazing the things we think are “hard” when there’s nothing truly difficult going on in our lives?

One life-altering event can change your entire perspective. One event that changes your ‘will’ to a ‘was.’

Was.

I told you all before I had more to share. And I honestly have been praying for the courage to share it all, and be truly transparent. I think know I’ve been avoiding writing this.

I felt called to share my story to encourage others, but I’ve been worrying over the details.

But God is in the details.

I’ve been worrying people will think I’m searching for sympathy.

But I’m not.

So, I’m finally going to take the leap, and pour my heart out.





In early January, Josh and I found out we were expecting our third bundle of joy. We were so very excited. Our usual routine is to call every family member with the news as soon as we know, but this time we had a different plan. Zack's 5th birthday was coming up, all the family would be at his party - so we would tell the boys and everyone else then. We were so excited for that day to come.

It came.  But it wasn't at all the way we thought it'd be.

About a week before the day we planned to share our news, we started having complications. There were days of tests, and waiting, and not knowing. Honestly, that was one of the hardest parts.

The waiting.

On the 5th day there was no more "not knowing." On Thursday, February 3, 2011 our sweet baby went to be with Jesus. Just two days before we planned to share our news.

I have thought for years that I would never be able to survive a miscarriage. Never. Ever. That it would destroy me.

It hasn't destroyed me.

Not to say I'm not broken over it. I can't begin to describe the pain. But my God has sustained me and is walking me through this fire. I wholeheartedly believe He was preparing Josh and I for this time, so that it would not destroy us.

He is faithful.

Physically, I'm now healed. Emotionally, I'm still healing. I've come to realize so many things through this time, and God is still teaching me. I want to share more with you - about just how specific God was in preparing my heart for this time - but that's for another day.

I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!” 

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, 

to those who search for him. 

So it is good to wait quietly 

for salvation from the Lord.

Lamentations 3:20-26