You see, I have this tendency to be perfectionistic (no shock to my family, I’m sure), as well as being pretty self-conscious about… well, everything. My husband has been reminding me that I need to cut myself some slack. He’s always telling me to stop being so hard on myself. But sometimes I feel almost incapable of that. It’s as though I want to stop my constant worrying and self-deprecating thoughts… but can’t shut them off. And so, I feel “crazy” (for lack of a better word). And then that, of course, leads me into the thoughts that I am not able to cope without medication. And I spiral from there.
I apologize, I didn’t intend for this to be a “depressing” post, by any means. Just a sharing of what’s been in my (crazy) head lately. And to share so as to relate/encourage others going through the same thing. Because here’s the truth: I am not crazy. I can cope without medication. And I already have the victory – because Christ won it for me.
So, as I exit 2010 and enter 2011… I know I’ll continue to find that new “normal” for me (without meds) because…
“…Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”
1 Corinthians 15:57-58
I applaud your honesty. I too struggle A LOT with insecurity about...everything. My "medication" in higschool was guys and I'm now in counseling because of the havoc this has wreaked on my married life. So your honesty inspired me to be honest with you. Insecurity is a beast I have yet to conquer but hopefully 2011 will be a big year for positive growth!
ReplyDeleteHaverlee, thanks so much - for the encouragement and for sharing! Insecurity is so hard to fight - feels like an uphill battle most of the time. But I've been realizing my NOT talking about it makes it worse usually... and FEEDS that insecurity. So, while I don't like to talk about it and make myself vulnerable... I think God's been calling me to stop hiding and be honest. Because Satan can't have power over something that's in the light.
ReplyDeleteOk - probably a bit too long for a "comment" - but oh well! Thanks for being honest! I really think sharing and encouraging each other is one of the best ways we'll be able to fight it!
i admire your honesty - your openness will continue to be a huge stepping stone in your journey. one of my favorite sayings is "just because you think it doesn't mean it's true" -- it's good to remember when those self-deprecating thoughts become so heavy. the word "crazy" has such a negative connotation and is a blanket word for mental health :), and i think it would be interesting to know *your* definition. perhaps a future blog post -- hehe! as far as the depression piece, it can be really helpful to break down your depression symptoms (loss of interest, hopelessness, fatigue, etc) and explore ways to have a better balance for each symptom. hopefully this makes sense ... i'm writing a novel!!!
ReplyDeletetake care,
karin