Monday, August 2, 2010

Far and Away

Apologies are in order. (if, of course, you’ve even noticed there’s been a lapse in my posting). I guess I took an unintentional hiatus from the blogging word. (not to say I wasn’t reading them – I just wasn’t writing them). To those of you who did notice – I’m sorry. Life’s been a little crazy and I let myself get caught up in… well, pretty much in feeling sorry for myself. That’s probably the simplest way to put it.
The truth is, a lot has happened in the last couple of months, and much of it I didn’t feel comfortable sharing here. And so, when I thought about blogging, I guess I felt a little insincere, because I wasn’t sharing everything - just some things that I thought people would want to hear about (again, that’s assuming you read this at all!) 
That all seems a bit cryptic, but I assure you, I’m done with not sharing.
I want to say, “lately God’s been working on me” but the truth of the matter is, He is always working on me. That’s something I’m insanely thankful for – He’s not finished with me yet. I’m a work in progress. (PRAISE the Lord! ‘Cause if this was the finished product – oi!) So, here comes the part where you may decide to never read this blog again. Or, what I’m hoping instead, is you’ll know someone else who can relate to what I’m about to share – and you’ll tell them about it. Because that’s part of what’s been going on in my heart – God’s challenging me to stop hiding, to stop wallowing in self-pity, and to instead, try to help and/or encourage someone else. ‘Cause guess what… it’s not about me. (shocker, right?!)
To keep this post from being TOO long, I’ll start off with some of the most recent developments… and we’ll work backwards, as needed. ;)
Recently, I stopped taking a medication I’d taken for a long time. Years, in fact. (Don’t worry, it was with my doctor’s approval and guidance.)  The medication was an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.
**Insert disclaimer here that this is NOT a “medication is bad”  rant or a “you need to get free of your meds” rant**
This medication is one that saved me, quite literally, on more than one occasion in my life. But what I came to realize was… I wasn’t in one of those times anymore. And, the fact of the matter was, I was still taking it more out of fear of what I’d be like without it than anything else.  And while I realized these things, and knew God was asking me to step out in faith and give it up… I resisted. I resisted for probably a solid month before I even bothered to talk to my doctor about it. And after I talked to her, I even continued to put off the ‘weaning’ process.
My explanation? Fear. That’s it. I have no other explanation than I was afraid. This medication had become my security blanket. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to give it up. It was more that I was afraid that I couldn’t.
In the end, I did start that weaning process. And not long after that is when I stopped blogging. Because things didn’t go quite as smoothly as I thought they would. I guess I’d say I unintentionally went into some sort of hiding. Not that I stayed home and literally hid. Instead, I tried to hide the fact that anything was wrong at all. Because I thought if I said something was wrong, that was just proof that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give up the meds.
Turns out, it wasn’t as black and white as I wanted to think.

(to be continued…)


  1. Kristy~That is so exciting about how God is helping you through this struggle!! God is so good!!

  2. Kristy, I think many will identify with you! This is something I have struggled with, and I love your transparency!

  3. Thank you for being genuinely open about your recent struggles. What you are feeling is a very normal response to going off the medicine (not just the body letting it go, but all of the mind stuff, too). Normal, but also painful and exhausting :( with all of the other life stuff you are balancing. The medicine has supported you through some difficult times, and sometimes there is a grieving throughout the weaning process. Hopefully sharing some of your experience via your blog will be helpful. Letting people know something is wrong (or "off," or worrisome, or frightening) is a way to become visible and it allows people to support you. Take good care of yourself. I admire your faith and your trust in God -- He is taking great care of you, too.

  4. I'm intrigued! Thanks for sharing this story so people can know and understand you better! I applaud your courage!!

  5. Thanks so much for the encouragement and support, girls! Means the world to me!

  6. Integrating the WORD in everyday life - wow you are living proof of that. You go girl! Keep blogging this journey - so many struggle.