Couch to 5k

So, outside of all the recent struggles, I have been working on some other things, as well. On the forefront, is working toward running my first 5k. It goes along with helping me reach my weight loss goal, but it’s a separate goal for me. I was losing weight, but being skinnier doesn’t automatically put you in better shape (can you believe it?!) So, I knew I needed to be working out regularly, but I wanted to have some kind of goal to strive for. After going for a run with my sister-in-law, Amber, one evening, it hit me – and we decided we wanted to run a 5k together – RUN it, not run/walk it, RUN it. So, we started looking up local races and decided on the Iowa Remembrance Run. It was a cause we love, and the date worked for us – August 22.
So we started out just running as much as we could, but we didn’t exactly have a game plan for how we were going to work up to running 5k (that’s 3.1 miles, btw) Then, one day while researching the subject, I found something called the ‘Couch to 5k’ program. Jackpot! Not only is the program very similar to one my physical therapist told me about last summer (that would be after I messed up my knee the last time I tried training to run a race – yeah, I didn’t know what I was doing), but there was also more than one app for my iPhone that would help along the way – SCORE! So we started working on that program. It takes you from not being able to run at all, to running 5k in 9 weeks. We’ve stretched it out a little farther than that (we felt like we needed a little more work), but now we’re nearly to the end!
In fact, we’re now just 18 days away from our 5k! The progress we’ve made is amazing. At the beginning, we could hardly run 30 seconds to a minute without feeling like we were going to die… and now? We’re going 25 minutes straight!  Granted, we still need to add another 5 to 7 minutes to get us up to running the whole 5k, but we’re so close! And the sense of accomplishment is amazing! Some days are better than others, of course. Some days I feel like I’m dying (especially those last couple minutes of a run), but even on the tough days, after I’m done it’s such an amazing feeling! The “runner’s high” is no myth! 
So I’m still pluggin’ along. Still working toward my goal. And when I do it (and I will) I’ll have RUN a 5k before my 30th birthday. (yes, 30…this year…but that’s a whole other post!)

Far and Away (part 2)

So, the process of getting off the meds began. I didn’t notice anything different at first. And even when I did notice things, I didn’t connect it with the medication. Really, I’d never gone off my medication the right way before. The right way would be talking to your doctor and weaning off slowly. The wrong way? Cold turkey. And that was the only way I’d gone off the meds before. (usually by accident) The type of medication I was on was an SSRI (a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). The reason going cold turkey is a bad idea? Withdrawal. I’d experienced the withdrawal symptoms in full force before, but this time I thought because I was weaning off slowly I wouldn’t experience withdrawal. Turns out, I was way off. Looking back, I can see that I was experiencing some mild withdrawal early on. I felt scattered, like I couldn’t focus. Some mild anxiety. Nothing huge, which I guess is why I didn’t connect it to going off the meds.
The real trouble started after I’d taken my final dose. A couple days later I started feeling “shocks” in my face. Dizziness. Nausea. I thought I was just tired or maybe getting sick. So, I put my symptoms in Google (the go-to place for info, naturally) and when I saw “vertigo” pop up, it all clicked. I wasn’t getting sick. I was going through withdrawal. The reason it suddenly made sense for me is that vertigo was one of the withdrawal symptoms that had been the worst for me in the past. And once it clicked, it dawned on me that all the symptoms I was having were not symptoms of some mysterious illness – they were withdrawal symptoms. Vertigo, nausea, fatigue, feeling “scatter-brained” (for lack of a better term), feeling ‘on-edge’, and ‘face shocks’ or what some call ‘brain zaps’ (probably the most disconcerting).
Well, I’ll try not to bore you with all the details there, but suffice to say, I was feeling pretty miserable. I had been so excited to take my final dose, to be done with that specific medication. Then when the withdrawal hit me so hard, I was beyond discouraged. I tried not to think it was proof I couldn’t handle it. I decided I just had to make it through the withdrawal. I was going to have to tough it out. I knew if I told my doctor about the symptoms I was having, she would put me back on meds and wean me off even slower. I didn’t want to do that. Call me impatient (it’s ok, it’s true), but I wanted to be over it sooner, rather than later. So, I decided to find a way to cope (and my awesome hubby supported me).
That was about two months ago. The initial withdrawal symptoms have subsided. What’s left in their wake is just me, or what I suspect is me, without meds. The anxiety and depression I’ve dealt with for years have not disappeared. But it’s not the debilitating anxiety and depression that put me on meds in the first place. As I alluded to in my last post, I’ve had a handful of times in my life when the medication was a necessity. I wasn’t able to function. I believe God used the medication as a tool to bring me out of that. But as I also said in my last post, I’m not in one of those times now, and I’ve been hanging on to this medication as a security blanket. I can’t deny that I fear experiencing one of those times again. But God’s brought me out of every single one. And so, I try to remember, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
I’m not exactly sure how to explain how I’m feeling these days. I’m on edge a lot. I feel almost constantly stressed, even when I’m in a situation that should be relaxing. I also still struggle with feeling “scattered” sometimes, having a hard time focusing. So, I’m trying to find new ways to cope with all that. First realization? I’m not very good at it. The biggest thing I’m working on (minute by minute) is giving up control to God. I have a tendency to try to hold on and fight for control. And (big shocker here) I’m never good at it. I usually make things worse for myself. I also have a natural tendency to worry, and that seems to be amplified these days. Mostly, I worry about what other people will think of me. (something that I know in my head isn’t worth worrying about, but can’t seem to stop myself from doing) So, I spend a lot of my time trying to relax, calm down, and not worry. Sounds pretty normal on the surface, and it is to a point. But it’s intensified to the point that it makes some days incredibly difficult.
So, I can’t deny that things have been, and still are, tough. But what I can tell you is God is so good and so faithful. He’s my Shelter and Strong Tower. He’s given me a husband who is beyond understanding and patient. He’s given me two boys who can make me smile, even in the midst of tears. And He continues to teach me so much through all this. Things I’d like to keep sharing with you here. So, we’ll ‘talk’ soon. ;)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

Far and Away

Apologies are in order. (if, of course, you’ve even noticed there’s been a lapse in my posting). I guess I took an unintentional hiatus from the blogging word. (not to say I wasn’t reading them – I just wasn’t writing them). To those of you who did notice – I’m sorry. Life’s been a little crazy and I let myself get caught up in… well, pretty much in feeling sorry for myself. That’s probably the simplest way to put it.
The truth is, a lot has happened in the last couple of months, and much of it I didn’t feel comfortable sharing here. And so, when I thought about blogging, I guess I felt a little insincere, because I wasn’t sharing everything - just some things that I thought people would want to hear about (again, that’s assuming you read this at all!) 
That all seems a bit cryptic, but I assure you, I’m done with not sharing.
I want to say, “lately God’s been working on me” but the truth of the matter is, He is always working on me. That’s something I’m insanely thankful for – He’s not finished with me yet. I’m a work in progress. (PRAISE the Lord! ‘Cause if this was the finished product – oi!) So, here comes the part where you may decide to never read this blog again. Or, what I’m hoping instead, is you’ll know someone else who can relate to what I’m about to share – and you’ll tell them about it. Because that’s part of what’s been going on in my heart – God’s challenging me to stop hiding, to stop wallowing in self-pity, and to instead, try to help and/or encourage someone else. ‘Cause guess what… it’s not about me. (shocker, right?!)
To keep this post from being TOO long, I’ll start off with some of the most recent developments… and we’ll work backwards, as needed. ;)
Recently, I stopped taking a medication I’d taken for a long time. Years, in fact. (Don’t worry, it was with my doctor’s approval and guidance.)  The medication was an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.
**Insert disclaimer here that this is NOT a “medication is bad”  rant or a “you need to get free of your meds” rant**
This medication is one that saved me, quite literally, on more than one occasion in my life. But what I came to realize was… I wasn’t in one of those times anymore. And, the fact of the matter was, I was still taking it more out of fear of what I’d be like without it than anything else.  And while I realized these things, and knew God was asking me to step out in faith and give it up… I resisted. I resisted for probably a solid month before I even bothered to talk to my doctor about it. And after I talked to her, I even continued to put off the ‘weaning’ process.
My explanation? Fear. That’s it. I have no other explanation than I was afraid. This medication had become my security blanket. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to give it up. It was more that I was afraid that I couldn’t.
In the end, I did start that weaning process. And not long after that is when I stopped blogging. Because things didn’t go quite as smoothly as I thought they would. I guess I’d say I unintentionally went into some sort of hiding. Not that I stayed home and literally hid. Instead, I tried to hide the fact that anything was wrong at all. Because I thought if I said something was wrong, that was just proof that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give up the meds.
Turns out, it wasn’t as black and white as I wanted to think.

(to be continued…)

Austin Michael - 18 Months

 
I find it almost difficult to write this post. It means having to admit that my baby is becoming less and less a baby every day. Yesterday, Austin hit the 18 month mark. And I get teary just looking at all the pics! Here goes…
Austin Michael – What a joy you are to our family! You had a rough start at life, it’s true, but you haven’t let it slow you down one bit. You are fearless (and relentless). You smile and laugh so freely, but you’re just as sure to let us know when you’re *not* happy. ;)  You adore your big brother and you’d follow your Daddy anywhere. But I can’t say that I’m not more than a little bit glad when only Mommy’s hugs will do.  I know you’re going to be our resident ‘daredevil’ and, trust me, that worries me already, but I know God always has you in the palm of His hand. I adore you, little man, and I look forward to seeing you learn and grow more every day (just not *too* quickly, please).
As for what our Austin Michael is up to these days:

• Making animal sounds (including motions) for the elephant, monkey, tiger/lion/bear (growling is his favorite), dog, pig, and some others.
• Saying “DA-DA” over and over and over… and rarely saying “Mama” (I usually just get called “Dada” too, and don’t think he doesn’t know the difference – he thinks it’s funny. Stinker)
• Sword fighting with his brother.
• Following Zack around EVERYWHERE – especially when Zack doesn’t want to be followed. ;)
• Copying everything Zack does (which Zack finds hilarious)
• Dancing to most any music (and his dance moves are adorable – though I admit I’m slightly biased)
• Climbing anything he can get near and jumping off things.
• Doing anything daredevil-ish – he LOVES for Daddy to throw him in the air. The higher, the better as far as he’s concerned. (I foresee many ER visits for us… he’s already had stitches!)
• His feet look awesome and he’ll have another check-up in Iowa City this month. He walks, he runs, he dances… you’d never know he started out with two very crooked little feet. ;)

Well, my baby may be less a baby today than he was yesterday, but he’s not all grown up yet, and I intend to enjoy every last little baby moment with him. Praise the Lord for this time we have together.

Mini-Van? Mega Fun.

So, I’m a little behind in my blogging these days. Truth be told, I have about 4 or 5 blogs in my head just waiting to be written… It’s just finding the time to sit and write that tends to be the issue. ;) But I have a moment tonight (Josh and the boys are watching Bob the Builder…), so I thought I’d try to get at least ONE out of my already to full noggin (maybe two?!) Here goes…

I mentioned a couple posts ago that we’d gotten a new mini-van. That’s right, I am now a mini-van mamma! And, let me tell you, I couldn’t be happier! I’m madly in love with the thing, and if that’s wrong… I don’t even want to be right. ;P

Some of you know, we’ve been having vehicle issues for several months now. Our Tahoe (which we love) has been gradually falling apart as it’s gotten older. It had gotten to the point that we decided we just needed to sell it to pay off the loan and then figure out getting another vehicle. Then came the “hallelujah moment” (*you know, when angels sing and the heavens open?*) We found out Josh’s grandma was likely going to sell the minivan that she and Grandpa had bought a few years ago. Grandpa passed away this year (*we still miss him so much*) and Grandma wanted to get something smaller, and more practical for her.

To make a bit of a long story a little shorter, we talked to Grandma, got a loan, and bought the van. Grandma was happy it was staying in the family, and we were ecstatic ‘cause it was such a perfect fit for our family. And what about the Tahoe, you ask? MY parents bought it and my dad’s going to fix up the problems it’s having (he’s a master mechanic). Can you say perfect solution for everyone? We sure did. ;)

And what’s even more fun than having a mini-van? Having a super cute, fun one! It’s a 2004 Toyota Sienna… Did I mention I’m in love with it? (I am)

And have you seen the super fun Sienna commercials? Yeah, the ones with the funny, cute couple and their kids? Let me just say this: Swagger Wagon. Maybe this will jog your memory…

I *heart* that video. ‘Cause yeah…. “I kiss their boo-boos…clean doggie doo-doos” and “It’s true, if I were you, I’d be jealous of me” ;P

So yeah, we’ve got a Swagger Wagon. I’m a mini-van mommy. And you know what? It’s awesome.

A Budding Author…

Today, I decided Zack and I’s school project would be writing stories. So, we sat down at the computer together. Zack dictated. I typed. This is what came out… (*obviously we haven’t quite tackled run-on sentences yet, but I figure we’ve got time*)
The Racing Zack
by Zackary Heilman
Once upon a time, Zack was in a really big race driving a race car. He was in a small car that had his name on it. He was wearing shoes, a helmet, a racing suit and gloves. And then he pushed on the smash pedal and smashed the other car and all the other cars lost and he won. Then he got out of his car and cheered!
THE END
The Band of Zack
by Zackary Heilman
Zack had really new drums. They were gold and blue. Mommy took Zack to a band. Daddy was playing the guitar. Mommy was singing “Brainpower.” But suddenly Zack came back home and ate breakfast when he woke up in the morning. Then he went to time out. Daddy wrote a game called Iron Man and Silver Iron Man. It was game two.
THE END

The Dragon of Everyone Dragons
by Zackary Heilman
Once upon a time, at home, Zack had a bad dream. A dragon ate Zack and he was freaked out and he was scared and ran away. Zack tried to get away and Mommy came. Zack told Mommy there was a mysterious dragon. Suddenly, the dragon touched Zack and he turned into a dragon, and Mommy turned into a dragon, and Austin turned in a dragon, and Daddy turned into a dragon. All Zack’s friends turned into a dragon.
THE END
The Playing of Zack
by Zackary Heilman
One day Zack was playing with his drums and Daddy was playing a game. But suddenly, when Zack looked, his old drums were gone! He checked in his present and one of his friends gave him no drums, just a guitar! Suddenly, Zack was very happy! Then he played the guitar all night.
THE END
The Playing of All of My Family
by Zackary Heilman
One day all of my family was playing and so was Austin. Mommy was making my little brother, Austin, a little smaller. We gave Daddy some glasses on the Wii. I played Wii Sports Resort and so did Mommy. I tried the bow and arrows, but it didn’t go so well. And all of the sudden, I haven’t played bowling on it. But I have played basketball and Frisbee and swordfighting. Then we got a new big TV and I got so many new toys that I couldn’t believe my eyes! I got a big blood blister, but I looked and it was healing. We got a new clock. Austin’s asleep, but it’s ok.
THE END
The Night of Me Being Batman
by Zackary Heilman
One day Batman was fighting bad guys and he swung and then he started fighting more bad guys. Batman had claws. They were good claws. They boomed out. He scratched Joker’s face. And then he got all of his goons. And then Batman and Robin had saved the day again.
THE END
Teen Titans
by Zackary Heliman
One day all of Robin’s friends were fighting a monster. Well, Robin tried to talk to that man, but he spoke Spanish. Well, Robin spoke Spanish too! Then he spoke English again.
THE END
The Lego Batman of Fighting
by Zackary Heilman
The Riddler is teaching his friends how to work like him. An orange guy went, “OOO HEE HEE HUH!” And then the Riddler went, “BIP!” But Riddler and Orange Guy were waiting for the building of Gotham to boom. They thought it was Molten Man. But suddenly, Batman and Robin appeared out of nowhere! Robin fell down and Batman climbed down the stairs. His cape was stuck on his head, but he FWOOMed it out. Zack was playing a game, and he came out from nowhere! He was fighting the bad guys. He pushed “X X X X X”.
THE END
This started out as writing one story, but turned into eight. (and Zack wanted to hear each one read back to him.) Once I put "by Zackary Heilman" on the first story, Zack made sure I did it for EACH ONE. He also says "THE END" for every story. So, I thought it appropriate to type it up just like he said it. Honestly, I can't wait to read these to him when he's a teenager... ;) So, today's school project was a success! :)

Oh, the Best Laid Plans…

So yesterday, I decided to toss the boys in the van…(Yes! New van! …We’ll do a “van post” later…’Cause it’s just a fun story!) Ok, we’re in the van… and we head out to find a duck pond. Austin is fascinated with ducks and he’s never gotten to go “feed the ducks” and Zack LOVES doing it… so I thought, “Hey, it’s free and it’s outdoors. That’s a win!”

And things started out well… There were a couple Canadian geese that were VERY friendly, and more than ready to make our acquaintance (and eat our bread).

Zack gave it his all when throwing each piece (after asking me each time if he could eat it).

Austin loved the geese (and also loved eating the bread – he didn’t ask) He was also fascinated with these guys…

Yep, those are fish. They were just as eager for the bread as the geese and ducks were! And here’s the proof…

Yes, that fish is coming OUT of the water to eat the bread! CREEPY MUCH?!

So, things were going well. The boys were feeding the ducks (Austin was trying to stuff as much bread in his own mouth as he could) Zack was having fun near the water, we were going to head over to the playground and that’s when it happened. Zack threw a little too hard, while standing a little too close to the edge…. and THIS happened…

Yep, he FELL IN! If any kid on earth could manage it, Zack could. And I’m telling you moms out there, it freaked me out for a second… but then I was trying SO HARD not to laugh! It was like something off America’s Funniest Home Videos – His feet went FLYING out from under him and he landed BOTTOM FIRST in the shallow edge of the pond. There was that half second of shocked silence and then the blood-curdling scream… I yanked him out of the water (with Austin under one arm ‘cause he was trying to go in, too), rescued his shoes that were floating away, and then worked to calm him down.

Once he was settled, we headed for the van to assess the damage. (I got pics of the back, but neglected to get pics of the front of him!)

Stinky pond mud on the shorts? Check. Stinky pond mud on new hoodie? Check. Stinky pond mud on legs, hands, and face? Check, check and CHECK!

So, since we just got the van, I don’t exactly have it “stocked” with all those handy little things moms usually have on hand. I had my “mini” diaper bag, and that’s about it. So, Zack got stripped down to his undies (which were also soaked), I put a reusable grocery bag on his booster, and we headed home.) Zack’s biggest concern at that point? “Mommy, I don’t want to smell like fish and duck poop!” My response, “Sorry, buddy, but you DO smell like that, and you will until we get home and you get a bath.” That led to him reminding me he “didn’t want to smell like fish and duck poop” about every two minutes on the way home. (like I was going to forget)

So, what was supposed to be a relaxing, fun trip to the duck pond ended up being an little more stressful, and a little shorter than I’d planned. But we ended up with a fun story to tell Daddy when he got home. ;)