Giving Up Control

Today's struggle: Trying not to be so overwhelmed by all I have to do, that I accomplish nothing at all.

This seems to be a regular struggle for me... but this week and last it's been especially difficult. I'd list everything I have on my "to-do" list for you here, but the stress of seeing it all in one place might make me throw up. And nobody wants that. Well, mostly I don't want that. Because then I'd have to add "clean up after myself" to my list...

I have a hard time focusing on just one things at a time. You may remember, I've confessed before about my compulsive need to multi-task... Well, coupled with my tendency for anxiety & depression... Let's just say it can be crippling.

When I get too many balls in the air (which I'm notorious for) or start thinking about too many projects at once, I want to just head straight for the couch with a large amount of chocolate. Not only does that accomplish nothing, but it also makes me fat. (but then I guess that'd be accomplishing something... though weight gain isn't on my to-do list.)

Honestly, I think the bigger issue is control. Being able to multi-task and do many things at once makes us feel like we're in control. Like we can handle it all on our own.

Wow. I've bought into that lie one too many times.

Why is it that I think God only wants me to bring Him the big issues?

Don't I know that God is in the details?

Haven't I seen proof time and again of just that? 

I have. But do I act like I have? Not lately.

Giving up the little things to Him...Asking for direction with a seemingly "small" project... Getting input from Him on what should be done first... Why do I have such a hard time doing that?

Pride. 

I want control.

I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be prideful or a control freak. But it's not something I can't not do on my own.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out....

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Romans 7:15, 18, 24-25

Wow... Yeah, Paul pretty much nailed it there. I can't rescue myself from this need to be in control... this need to be that amazing multi-tasker... this need to be perceived as this perfect wife and mom. Only my Savior can.

One of my favorite music artists right now is JJ Heller. (If you don't own her albums, go buy them. Now.)  There is a song on her current album that seemed to be written just for me. (I love how God does that) It's called "Control."

Control: It's time to let you go.

Embrace the Camera: Newsworthy

It's time to Embrace the Camera on this Thursday!




Some of you probably don't know this, but in my pre-mommy life I was a television news producer. (are you shocked?) I actually left TV while I was still pregnant with Zack - and moved to a different 'broadcasting' job. I actually hadn't intended to leave TV, but that's another story...

The station I last worked for was WHO-TV, here in Des Moines. I was the producer for Today in Iowa, the morning show. Some of the best people I've ever worked with in news were (and still are) at WHO. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them (and sometimes the news business.).

Well, Zack is (of course) a big fan of "WHO-TV" (which he always calls it) and loves to go visit our friends there. So this week, we took a trip downtown to visit the station.

This pic is the only one I snapped with the camera (though I got a couple others with my phone)  I'm lucky enough to have talented friends - because Brooke took the rest of the pics! :)

Austin quickly became Brooke's little shadow, even sneaking up on set during a LIVE cut-in. 

 "Doing the news" Austin is following Patrick's lead... checking out the computer ;)

Zack decided that while Jeriann was doing a weather cut-in, he needed to write down what she said. He took his job very seriously.

 

 

Once Austin got in the anchor chair, he had no interest in leaving it.

The boys were also fascinated with the Weather Wall.

I loved getting to visit with everyone at the station, and the boys loved getting to see everything 'behind the scenes.' Not to mention they love all the people there as much as I do!

Fun facts:

• Zack believes Chopper13 belongs to "Miss Brooke" and refers to it as "Miss Brooke's helicopter".
• Joe (the director) is now Zack's "new friend Joe" and Zack keeps telling everyone how they both 'picked Camera 4'
• Patrick was nice enough to post some pics of the boys behind the scenes on their blog, The Morning Buzz (which you Des Moines folks should totally be following).

Thanks to all my friends at Channel 13 for welcoming us so warmly!

Now you go Embrace the Camera!

Taking That Next Step

Taking some time to 'Pour My Heart Out' on this Wednesday.

It's been nearly 3 months since our loss. Since we said goodbye to the child we won't get to meet this side of heaven.

Some days 3 months feels like an eternity. Others it feels like just yesterday. I suppose that's the same for any kind of grief.

It comes in waves. 

One moment the tide is low, I can breathe and move freely. The next moment the tide has swallowed me up and I can't get any air in my lungs.

My saving grace is grace itself. I have a life preserver that never fails me. One that gives me air when I feel like there's no way to get a breath. One that holds me together, when I'm sure I'm going to crumble into pieces.

So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

Isaiah 41:10

I'm still figuring out how to walk out this path He's set me on.  Still trying to figure out how to fully lean on Him when every ounce of my flesh wants to take matters into my own hands. I've certainly been stumbling more often than not lately, but I won't quit trying.

He won't let me. 

He calls me forward. Calls me to take that next step, and then another. He's moving me forward to a new place. A place where I'll be closer to Him than I was 3 months ago. I just have to take that next step.

And then another.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD,

'plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future'" 

Jeremiah 29:11

If you'd like to 'Pour Your Heart Out' - click the link and join us!

Rainy Day Run

As I've mentioned before, my sis-in-law and I are training to run Dam to Dam, a 20k race here in Des Moines, in June. To help us ramp up, we're running a couple of shorter (but longer to us) races in between. Our first race of the season will be an 8k this Saturday.

Due to a variety of frustrating circumstances I hadn't yet run 8k (5 miles) - ever. I had planned to hit that mark last week, but that didn't work out, so last night I was determined to hit that little milestone. But then I heard the forecast: Rain. Lots of rain. So, my sis-in-law and I decided to head to the gym so we could still run. But upon our arrival, we discovered every treadmill was full. Ugh!

Now, most people would probably either a) Wait around for treadmills to open up, b) Use a different cardio machine, or c) Go home. Well, Amber and I went for option d) Go outside and run in the rain.

When I first entered the gym, it wasn't raining all that hard. When we walked back outside it had picked up quite a bit... But that didn't deter us. And you know what happened? We ran 5 miles! And not just in the rain, but in the pouring rain. At one point it was raining so hard, and blowing so hard in our faces, that we couldn't keep our eyes all the way open. But we kept going and felt GREAT afterwards!

Feeling a little wired after our run (the "glare" is from rain on the camera)

I don't think I had a single spot on me that was dry, but I didn't mind a bit. We had such fun doing it, and added another adventure to our repertoire. And now I know for sure... Saturday's 8k is gonna be cake. (somebody remind me of that when Saturday rolls around) ;)

Soaking wet and feeling awesome.

Embrace the Camera: Center Stage

This past Sunday, our church held our AWANA closing program. This was Zack's second (and final) year of Cubbies, so it was a bittersweet night for me - knowing my oldest was soon no longer going to be a preschooler. Zack was excited to get to sing songs with his group on the "big" church stage, but the night didn't exactly go to plan.

So today I'm "embracing" the camera in a little bit of a different way. I've got a photo of me and my favorite Cubbie - but I've also got a little video to share with all of you.



The Cubbies took the stage and Zack was smack in the middle - and obviously taller than most of the kids. I knew we were in trouble when he immediately reacted to the bright lights. He didn't want to face forward because he didn't like them shining in his eyes... and then when he turned around he saw all the band instruments... Oh boy. I'll just tell you now: Zack didn't sing a single song.

Trying to explain it just doesn't quite do it justice... so I'll just go ahead and present the video evidence.


Zack's Second Year Cubbies Award Ceremony from Kristy Heilman on Vimeo.

(*NOTE* The video is a little long - but you'll get the gist after a few minutes. Also, my apologies for the 'crotch grab'...)

I know one day I'll laugh more about this, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed. He had been so excited to sing on stage - and I'd been excited to see him do it - and then things just didn't pan out. But I guess even though he wasn't singing, he was most definitely giving a performance that was very "Zack."  (Side note: Just have to give a shoutout to Zack's friend, Birdy, to his left. She is SO adorable - it's no wonder my boys adore her!)

Either way, I'm very proud of our little Cubbie. He memorized every single verse in his book this year, and we had such great conversations about what he was learning each week. So, this mommy is a little sad to see her oldest move out of preschool - but Zack is so very excited to be a "Sparky" next year. And while I'm hoping for a little more singing during his next on-stage performance, I'm trying to remember that this is a memory made and a time we'll never have back again. So, I'm just enjoying each moment as it comes. :)

Now you go Embrace the Camera!

When the Teacher is the Student

It's been a few weeks since I last 'Poured my Heart Out' - and the last time I did, it was a difficult post to write. In my post yesterday, I hinted toward working through some things, but I'm not quite sure I'm ready to "pour out" about all that just yet.

So today, I thought maybe I'd go in a less "deep" direction (mostly because I don't think I can handle getting too deep right now) and pour my heart out about my other job - which I actually haven't written much about here before.

For those who don't know my other job (other than being a full-time wife and mommy) is working as the Nursery-Preschool Director at our church. It's only supposed to be about 10 hours of work a week, but as with most jobs in ministry, it frequently takes up just a smidge more time. ;)

As with any job, some weeks things go smoothly, and some weeks they don't. Sometimes it's frustrating and sometimes it's not. Sometimes it wears me out and sometimes... well, it usually always wears me out in one way or another - BUT it's a job that comes with rewards of a different variety.

My job is to recruit volunteers, organize schedules, keep nurseries clean, prepare Sunday school lessons and crafts, and things along those lines. And to be honest, a lot of the time you don't get to really see how any of that makes a difference. But I also volunteer teaching a Sunday school class every week and that's where I get to see that work actually in action.

I get to see the kids enjoy playing with the toys that they could easily find since they were organized. I see them engaged in the activities from the lesson, I see them enjoy making a craft that goes along with our Bible story. And I see them remember what they learned when they tell their parents about it. 

In teaching those two and three year olds about God's love each week, I find I learn a lot myself. It's amazing how a lesson simplified to be understood by preschoolers, can reach the heart of an adult in a completely new way. And God's timing is nothing if not perfect - He has a specific message for me exactly when I need it.

It's made me realize that many times I can over-complicate my relationship with God. That many times whatever barriers I think are there, I put there. God is always right there, waiting for me to turn to Him. If I feel far from Him, it's because I've turned my face in the other direction - never because He's left me. 

"God has said,

   'Never will I leave you;
   never will I forsake you.'

 So we say with confidence,

   'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
   What can man do to me?'

Hebrews 13:5b-6

 

So today I'm thankful for the simple lessons I'm learning in the 2s&3s Sunday school class that I teach.

Now it's your turn to Pour Your Heart Out.

Craziness

That title? Yeah, that's pretty much what life feels like around here these days. I have all these grand notions for blogging, home projects, personal projects... And none of them seem to be coming to fruition. Or they're at least not finished
 
There's been lots of going and doing and busyness, and we haven't had much of a break lately, but to be honest I don't think that's been the biggest problem. I have a sneaking suspicion my head has been my biggest obstacle.

So now, I'm trying to take steps to get my head "back in the game," so to speak. And once I figure out things in a little more detail, I'll be doing my very best to share the journey with you.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to focus on the little moments of joy... like this one.


Austin Reads Mommy a Story from Kristy Heilman on Vimeo.